connected

I didn't intend to use my blog to bask in the reflected glory of my fabulously talented children
(though I admit I AM button-popping proud of them).

But my youngest produced this the other day and, oh my Lord, my heart squeezed up so tight.

'Joy' is my middle name. 'Hope' was our wee girl's name. And 'love', of course, LOVE is what holds us together and connects us all.

Sometimes I think that he is closer to his sister than I am. Often I feel she is so far away. 

And I need the simple, clear sight of a nine-year old to help me to see things.

So, thank you, little man. This means the world to me. It will go in my box of treasures.

lost

I gave myself a fright the other day.

I went out running on a new route I hadn't tried before.

I got lost. Not LOST lost. But definitely disorientated lost.

And I ended up running along a busy main road, with lorries and buses screeching past close by. Not what I'd intended. And a long way from home.

I was so cross with myself for making such a silly mistake, for not paying enough attention, for getting it wrong.

I doled out a severe talking-to.

And when you're running there's plenty of time to beat yourself up.

I felt small. And not in a good way. I felt vulnerable. And there are few things I recoil from more than feeling vulnerable. I felt pretty stupid. I wanted to cry. I prayed a lot.

Here's the bridge I was supposed to be running over (on a good day):

It's 250 feet high, and the only way to get to it from down on the busy road was by going up. A lot.

I made it home, eventually. I cried then.

home is where the heart is

The Christmas tree went up last week and so did the decorations.

                                                           little feetsies.

I noticed how many hearts we have at home.

                                                           another angel

I have a confession... a lot of these hearts stay up all year round.

I just sort-of forget to pack them away and gradually they have become a feature at home.

When we had our first child, I absolutely knew that I wanted to create a home that had a lot of love in it. And these hearts just act as a little reminder, to me and my husband and my boys, to love one another. And the rest will follow.

I'm not ready

We're over half-way through Advent and I'm not ready.

The tree is bought but still in the back garden.

Some of the lights are up. Some, this year, don't work.

The candles are lit when it gets dark (I love my little angel peeking out from behind)

I've even put up some baubles (my son said this twig looked like reindeer antlers so I couldn't resist bringing it home)

When I went to the shops and saw everyone else bustling about, loaded up with bags and bags of stuff, I felt very un-ready. They all seemed to have it taped.

I really needed to remind myself that it's all the imperfections in my life that make me human. That being frayed around the edges and a bit ramshackle here and there is a good thing. That the BEST Nativity plays are the ones with old checked teatowels tied round little heads and Mary dangling baby Jesus by one foot.

all the extras are just that - extras

I never feel I'm 'ready', for anything

and I'm pretty sure God doesn't mind

I am grateful

for the birds singing this morning, at the darkest time of the year

for the wind being behind me on the second half of my run tonight

that I didn't inadvertently burn down through 2 days of the Advent candle today (thank you, boys, for keeping an eye on it)

for the mysterious, uncontainable creator God who sustains me.

those babies

Sometimes I help out in the creche at church. Now, my days of having babies are long gone, and as they get older my boys are less keen on being swooped on for a spontaneous bit of love and affection. But even so, a little part of me craves holding a wriggly baby. For a long time, I resisted this urge to cuddle a 3-month old, or to soothe a grumpy baby who would much rather be with his mummy than me. I wasn't sure how much cuddling was allowed, these babies not being my own. When I watched the other helpers (most of us are mums, and there are even a few dads) it was obvious that it was completely FINE to cuddle and hug as much as was needed. There is no limit to loving others.

So now I don't hold back. For the short time I'm with the babies I just cuddle and love them as much as they need. And drop lots of kisses on their heads. And yes, a little bit of my need for cuddles gets met too.

And that's not a bad thing.

some things I love

                                            
sunset AND the sea. Oh, my.

my sewing machine and a cup of tea.

Avebury, Wiltshire, in Winter

any tree will do, I'm not fussy.

my boys - here's one of them.

finding things in unexpected places.